Ok. Adoptive Mammas and Expectant Adoptive Mammas....this one is for you. You people get me.
I am shooting straight and honest today. I am exhausted at 4:25pm in the afternoon. We went to my Mom's house last night. Andy stayed home because he had a soccer schedule for the day. :)So I was on my own with My Sweet Mamma. Here I go......
First statement: 4 months post adoption.......For Eli:Going out of town is HARD when the whole family is not together. Eli desperately needs structure and sameness. When the 4 of us are not together he may look like everything is fine...but deep down there is some anxiety over Andy not being with us. (more crying, more concern over transitioning from one scene to the next, does not want to be more than 4-5 feet from me, needs to be near Gray at all times)
Second statement: Sometimes you need to put you(the parent) ahead of your babies even though you know you will have things come up just for going out of town for a night.
I needed to get out of town for a a bit. It was my last week at B&G and I needed to get away and get a little change in the playbook. I needed some encouragement from my Mamma!!! She is the strongest lady I know. No doubtin' on that one!
You need to use good judgement when you see yourself needing some support or encouragement. You need to find a few people you can lean on to help you from time to time. Plan this ahead of time. Tell those folks you may call on them from time to time to get some back up.
Third statement: Your child or children may not sleep well even though they have been to that location multiple times.
Last night E decided that he was not going to sleep in a room with his sister but only with his Mommy. I discussed with Eli that the last time he slept in the bed with me that I never slept because he was such a wiggly little boy. At my moment of honesty, I thought we were going to have a meltdown because I was not allowing him to sleep with me. Instead of falling apart..... he asked if he could sleep on the floor beside me. Post adoption....you say yes especially if your child has met you half way...Seriously! It was fabulous. Progress oh yes indeed!!!!!! I made a pallet quickly so he would go to sleep....might I add around 12 midnight. I threw a wonderful comforter on the floor and put multiple blankets to make it super soft. Then without a pillow he is out with the lights ON!......Eli is out. Seriously out.
Next I hop in bed so he knows I am staying there and read a few magazines. Once I knew he was not going to wake up I turned off the light. Then just when I thought it was going to be ok....Eli wakes up every hour to make sure that I am in the room. Here is how every conversation went.....It was definitely the same lines every time.
"Mamma, Mamma, Mamma!"
"Yes, Eli."
"You here?"
"Yes, baby boy....I am here. Night Night."
Now multiple times 10. I felt like I had a newborn all over again. You remember me telling you all that during the adoption process I experienced a lot of similar things that I experienced when I was pregnant with Gray??? Well here you go. This is another example of post adoption/birth and I am awakened multiple times during an hour. Ha! The Lord is not allowing me to skip a beat!
Fourth Statement: After negotiating the sleeping situation I am not sure that I personally was much better off than I would have been with him snuggled beside me.
Then pondering my lack of sleep my Lord brings to me this gentle reminder. IT'S NOT ABOUT ME or YOU. Let me say again,"IT IS NOT ABOUT ME or YOU." "It's about this precious child that needs the very best from his Mommy and Daddy." Eli needs my security when a change has occurred. No question on that! Our sweet boy was needing my presence/ security. Whew! The little things are VERY IMPORTANT!
Fifth Statement: I strongly believe that I owe no one an explanation for why Eli and Gray respond to situations differently.
I don't owe anyone an explanation for why Eli responds to one situation differently than Gray. Say it one more time. I do not owe anyone an explanation for why one child responds differently to a situation than our other child. I only need to talk with my husband and more importantly MY GOD. If I need to tell you...don't worry this chatty cathy will holler at ya.
Sixth Statement:Getting a little tougher now....Those that are close to you may have a difficult time supporting you when they don't get all the juicy details from you.
People really don't get you when you just don't respond to comments or questions that they may ask. People will accuse you of "changing", "neglecting friendships", "neglecting responsibilities", etc. Yo, peeps FYI....Our family has dynamically changed. DRASTICALLY. Hang with me...I might be changed for good OR the whammy....we might just be going thru a busy time of just trying to survive the consistency that your family needs. No matter what you may think.....please bear with us Newly Adoptive Mammas. We are trying to focus on our marriage first and then help "littles" feel safe and secure. Those 3 things are A LOT!!!!! Have some mercy for us about the other things in life.
Seventh Statement:I am a vault tightly closed, locked and sealed when it involves any details from our little man's past.
I will say one more time. I am a vault tightly closed and sealed when it involves any details from our little man's past. You can ask left and right. If I don't feel comfortable releasing information to you I am not going to.... It's not personal. We are protecting our child. If I do release information to you please know that it is because I have felt comfortable and I also expect you to protect our child as well with the information I have give you.
Eighth Statement Finding a balance with the child/children you birthed or have previously adopted.
Whew THIS IS HARD, HARD, HARD. I feel like I am doing a really good job of this starting in MONTH 4. Previously I know that my Little PRECIOUS GIRL was not receiving as much attention from me and it was hard for me to say No to Eli because he needed mine and Andy's security and trust. NOW in Month 4, I feel that Andy and I are able to tag team. We know when which child needs us. Andy and I will swap information about what either E or G has said that day and make a decision about who needs us the most during any free time OR do we all need to be TOGETHER. Seriously, Adoptive Mammas you better be communicating with your spouse on this one.....THIS IS HUGE and you and your spouse need to desperately keep stability for everyone (including your marriage!). I think my super, cute and loving husband and I are a fabulous team together. We both have been working really, really, really, really hard on this one! Did I say really!?!? BUT did I mention that this one statement is extremely time consuming. NO I don't have it all together but boy are we focusing on each other and our babies. Just when you are starting to get exhausted.....push thru it friends.....Stand Firm!
Ninth StatementFierceness shines itself brightly after bringing your child home.
I have been blessed with a fierce heart after Eli arrived home. Yes JESUS IS A HEART CHANGER in MANY, MANY WAYS! Don't get me wrong I am super protective of Gray and Miss Cutie has Andy and I both tied tightly around her finger.
Let's get back to the part about my heart changing....My heart increased with great fierceness after I saw the trauma that Eli had experienced in country. All these children of God....being tortured at times. No food, abuse physically and mentally, no water, no bathroom facilities, being deathly ill with no one to comfort or care for them, bullying by older children, bullying by adults, stealing, etc. Each child had a story....I could see it in their eyes. My heart right then and there was changed for good.
I begin for the first time in my life to not care about earthly stuff. Things that are sentimental are sometimes not as sentimental as they used to be. Or I might, NOW, throw away(or recycle) something I would have never have dreamed of giving to anyone or anything.
Also, my heart has changed in that I don't feel sorry for myself anymore. Our precious boy has been thru the ringer....So if you are telling me you got a paper cut and it hurts ....you might hear me laugh (a potential eye rolling might occur-it runs in the family) and I will just keep moving on. (I am hoping my sensitivity to smaller problems returns but it has not yet.)
Lastly, if you meet me for the first time I don't waste anytime getting to the good stuff. I am going to be preaching the name of Jesus whether you want to hear it or not. I am passionate about this heart changing God!
Tenth Statement Get your praying on!
You think you prayed a lot during your adoption process well, honey child, you better get used to the idea that you will be exhausted in a healthy way at the end of every day.
I used to think people were a little loopy or koo koo that prayed over every single little thing. To me it was a little "overboard." Things that I never prayed for are at the top of my list now. Here are just a few examples:
1.Eli will drink his milk.
2.Eli will not throw up a school.
3.Gray will be understanding when I have to discipline Eli differently than I do her.
4.Eli and Gray's heart will be protected even when I cannot be with them.
5. Eli and Gray will set the example of Jesus and mention HIS name at least once to a friend or teacher in a days time.
6. Andy will have supernatural strength to be patient with me at the end of the day when I am so tired.
7. I can be more patient with Eli and Gray saying "Mamma" more than 1000 times during the day.
8. I will be grateful to be called a mother even when my name is said waaaaaaayyyyyyy toooo many times in 2 sentences.
9. I will not forget to pick up my kids.
10. I don't forget to feed the dogs.
11. I will remember to brush my teeth and put on deodorant.
Yes, all you blog readers might laugh at a few of these but I am not joking or being the least bit sarcastic.
In closing
Life is hard, Adoptive Mammas, but not for one second on this earth will I never regret that Andy and I adopted our son. Andy, Gray and myself are better people because of Eli. Would I do it all over again? Duh. Would I do it again? I am not saying definitively....That is the Lord's decision after all. Andy and I are willing but we are happy as a family of 4 and if the Lord asks us to step out on faith again. We jump on board immediately....we do not consult.
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